| July 16, 2029 |
[Jul 16, 2008 * 6:24pm] |
The world around me is constantly changing, and the older I get the more I become aware of it. Now more than ever ‘people’ are becoming obsolete. Most of them are terrified of not being needed. I don’t hold that fear. I know you have to ride with the circumstance.
No, my fears lie within needing too much. I’m too stubborn to ask for help. I’m too crushed when I need Wyatt more than he needs me. I don’t know how the hell I flipped that feeling, but I’m back to being self-sufficient. I need to be because now someone else needs me.
Somehow Wy & I stumbled our way to the alter and endured the entire ceremony without a hitch. And now… I’m pregnant. It’s joyous news and I’m happy… now. I was terrified out of my mind when we found out. Wy is overjoyed but he feels like he just wants to take us and run. He doesn’t want his family to put up with this cloud of doom that descends upon us all. He doesn’t want the Halliwell curse of attracting evil to continue. It’s a beautiful dream, of course, but the reality is that somehow, some way, they’ll always find us. And no matter how much he claims he can live & work somewhere else, his heart is always going to lie here.
We've both been all over the world in the past 8 months - he as a whitelighter, me as a Phoenix. I'm glad to see that no matter how far apart we are, there is still some solid slice of rock that will hold us together. Now more than ever that's the most important thing.
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| December 23rd, 2028 |
[Dec 23, 2007 * 3:28pm] |
Six months have gone by, and I'm so tired. I don't think this year ever turned out to be as good as I expected. Sure there were highlights, and more prominently some lowlights. Like the fact Wyatt and I didn't marry. There was a huge disagreement, of the likes I've never seen before. Admittedly it was me who did most of the yelling. Everything that had been building inside of me just spilled out until he could take it no more, and walked away from me in the pouring rain. I will never forget that moment. I will never forget the guilt I instantly felt, although everything I had spoken was the truth. I'm never going to forget the day I broke Wyatt Halliwell.
And time went on. Holidays and birthdays passed. Not once did I see him again, though I was kept up to speed through emails and pictures he sent to his mother. I guess she was keeping him updated on what went on here. I mean, I sent him an email not long after he was gone... but there was nothing I could tell him. And he didn't bother to respond. In a way, we had become disconnected.
I knew I had to fill the void that he left. So I began to make plans, lots of plans, that tied me over for many months. I made sure I was always out, whether with someone I knew or even just on my own. I worked a lot, continually having to reload on ammunition, spending more time working than living without being paid any extra for it. I threw myself into a life that knew no quiet, until there were moments when I screamed for the whole world to stop and let me catch up to it. I faced the most terrifying situations and came out alive at the other end. I think it's fair to say that I ignred my own safety in pursuit of action and achievement.And just when my whirlwind began to slow down, things came to a screaming halt.
I managed to incapacitate myself for a few weeks. Apparently I'm not quite as agile as I thought. I miscalculated my steps and took a deathly tumble whilst working. Fortunately, luck was with me and I managed to walk away with little more than a sprained ankle. However this injury was not something that could be passed off in a day or two. I'd ruptured the capillaries across the entire left side of my foot, stretched ligaments beyond their capabilities, and damaged all the soft tissue leaving me bruised, swollen, and limping in pain. As any assassin would do, I managed to ignore all that pain just to get myself out of the danger zone and back to safe territory. That would be home in my case. And bearing the knowledge that I did, I knew I would have to elevate it and apply ice to reduce the swelling. Still inactive the next morning, I knew I had to take a break. And it was a well-earned one. Forget the payment, I just needed to seperate myself from that lifestyle for a while.
I don't know whether it was because I'd been injured or not, but Wyatt at that time decided he would come home. He could have been planning it anyway for Christmas... I don't know. He wasn't thrilled about leaving Europe, but he missed his family just as much. If anything, I do know that Wyatt cares more about his family than anything else on this planet. And he never missed a birthday (not even mine) while he was gone. I can't tell you how excited I was to hear he was coming home. It at least got us speaking again. And he reminded me of things that I loved that I had traded away for this new life I was leading. He steered me straight back towards it. And I laid things out on the table for him again but his rational calm only continues to make me feel as if I'm being paranoid. I can't forgive myself for what I've done to him. Which is probably the reason why I'll never marry him.
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| 4th May, 2028 |
[May 4, 2007 * 10:58pm] |
My mind is reeling. I'm so elated right now. My beautiful, wonderful fiance hauled me away from my work yesterday for a few minutes to give me the greatest, most touching surprise of all.
I didn't expect him to turn up out of the blue. He hasn't done that in so long. And though I was occupied, I did not question myself twice at my decision to allow him to distract me. It was a little shocking at first, to be pulled away, to be kissed so passionately as if he had not seen me for months... as if he were about to lose me... it was an introduction almost equal to a permanent ending. And I could see so much love in his eyes when he pulled away and he took my hands. And I just got this sudden feeling that I knew exactly what this was about, before he even asked. And because I knew I was not shy of playing with and teasing him. Maybe I shouldn't have made it so hard, but it made the whole situation so entertaining.
He asked me if I was going anywhere on the Independance Day weekend and I, of course, responded no as I'm not really in a position to go anywhere. Then digging a little more to find out if I was working, I teased him by pointing out I was working at that moment, but it was unlikely I would be working then. And then came the bigger question - did I want to partake in a wedding? My smile just broadened so much. I knew what he was asking, but I pretended as if I didn't understand and told him as long as the groom was friendly (especially with his family's history of nearly marrying evil beings), to which he replied no, it was just him. And I laughed because I was so overjoyed and because I couldn't think of anyone who I'd rather be married to. So we've set a date. And I have just over a month to get myself organised. It's going to be a mess, but Wy says we'll just keep it simple. He's pushing for that handfasting ceremony his parent's did. I'll have to consider it. It is the greatest surprise though - he wants to marry me before he leaves, just so I know that he loves me that much, that he won't be gone forever, and we will have that small part of each other to hold onto. He really can be that unselfish.
Although that's my highlight, I will just briefly mention that work is back on the upswing. So much has been going on: people were leaving, I was getting more responsibility, people I had earlier clashed with are treating me a little better. It's really odd. I just want things to work out though. There are so many mishaps that go wrong with every job. I wish I just knew what the problem was and could get it fixed, but I feel everyone's contributing to mission downfalls because they all like to do things their own way and can't follow the system. At least I know I've tried my hardest, even if I'm busting my brain trying to work out what's happened elsewhere.
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| 30th March, 2028 |
[Mar 30, 2007 * 10:42pm] |
Beautiful. Life is beautiful. Admittedly work was not all that great but…
Things have not been this great in such a long time. I missed Wyatt so much and, it seems, he felt the same over me. He has surprised me so much this month. He cut back his work hours, finally, and has been spending much more time with me. I feel like I’m falling in love all over again. And the passion – so raw, so powerful, so driven. It’s like a fire just ignites between us. My heart has not pounded this fiercely in just about forever. I just want him so badly all the time – and not just to have his presence, but to have all of him. We’re completely insatiable together. Even his general attitude has brightened, as if he’s shelved everything that was dragging him down for so long.
Work, however, seems to have dived in the completely opposite direction. I was framed. Being the new girl on the block makes me an easy target when it comes to trust issues. Being the one who is completely rational and doesn’t entirely let emotion drive her also made me an easy selection. My own workmates hauled me out of the middle of a mission, threw me into an empty room, bound me, accused me of all kinds of things and almost beat the living shit out of me. I say almost because by the time someone stepped in and ordered them to stop, I was already black and blue. I cannot begin to tell you how furious Wyatt was. Not at having to heal me but by the state they'd put me in. He wanted to kill them. I was angry too, I didn’t want to go back, but a feeling of loyalty kept me there despite how upset I’d been over being so badly mistreated. Somehow I managed to injure my leg and this hung on for a week, made worse by the fact I decided to give chase to someone before they disappeared. I managed to catch them, but I aggravated my injury so much I could barely walk. Thankfully it seems to be healing a lot better now.
I know it doesn’t sound like much, but that is everything that has happened. Every situation that has been ongoing for days. It’s funny how some things drag out so much you just don’t want to go back – you fear it, but you have to be courageous enough to face it. Even if its just to get those moments of pleasure you hope will last forever.
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| March 10th, 2028 |
[Mar 10, 2007 * 10:38am] |
It's funny how I can think of all the right words until I get here. I don't know how to explain myself anymore.
Wyatt hasn't had such a good month. He's been sick with the flu (seems he's picked up that tradition his Aunt Paige has of sneeze-orbing), he's been fighting with his family, he's... I don't really know anymore. I just feel it when he's not here. Where he used to be so present there's just this feeling of absence now, as if he was never there to begin with.
I should have no doubt over how he feels about me. That, it seems, has been made quite clear both from me and to me. Exactly a month ago he got so drunk at the club that Chris had to orb him home. He was so blind he pretty much couldn't see, he stumbled into the couch and fell on it more than walking around to sit on it. To my surprise Chris found it absolutely hilarious. But I guess that's to be expected of two relatives of the male species. I was in fact overly concerned at his state. Is it at all a mystery that I'd feel that wrench around my heart as my mind drags up old memories from the ether? Am I just meant to forget everything that happened in our past? It's because I care so much about him that I worry, that I wonder what instigates a certain type of behaviour. When you spend your working life analysing ppl to predict their next course of action, of course its going to blend over into reality. I probably would have left him on that couch if he had not called me over. I was already pissed off with the fact that the only time I was now getting to see him was when he was too incoherently lost to even make it matter.
But this time, for once, it felt like he was reading me. Everything in my head and heart just spilled from his mouth. And at first I thought he was trying to start up another fight, but as the scowl grew on my face the realisation of what he was trying to get across finally hit me. He never gave up on me, even when I thought he had. He never stopped loving me. And through all the outside circumstances we'd had to bear that had been thrown our way, we were still together and that should be enough. Needless to say, our Valentines was then a lot better this year. Even the simplest things in life can be the greatest joys.
On a side note, work - people seem to finally be getting used to me being around. They know now I'm not going anywhere. And I've made some wonderful new contacts. Plus it appears that I am actually coping with problems on my own again. I didn't think I would be able to - must have dragged myself down so low after that last misfortune. Most importantly - I'm surviving.
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| February 4th, 2028 |
[Feb 4, 2007 * 7:17pm] |
It doesn’t even feel like a month has passed since I last updated. I can barely recollect exactly what happened, especially in those first two weeks. There were a few birthday parties we attended. Both Wyatt and Chris turned into children – not literally (thank the gods), but I mean in the way they interacted with the other kids. Playing games, opening presents, banging toy drums. Babies were born. Life was beginning anew.
There’s a newfound kind of respect between Wyatt and I. Things hang on a contemplative note. It’s not sad anymore. In fact I think we’re both blissfully happy, but in our own little worlds. And once in a while we’ll come back to each other, connect, express how much we miss the other. It’s unusual, maybe not how it should be, but it’s okay. It really is okay.
I started a new job two weeks ago. I work with a small team of guys for a larger corporation. I’m not used to having to do things differently to my way, and this almost feels as if I’m back among the Phoenix again. Needless to say the frustration at having to live to an ideal expectation in a foreign site, my inability to transition my methods fast enough, and the abandonment and ignorance I often receive from my team has brought me to tears more than one time. But then there’s those moments, when I find myself in a wealth of trouble and I try to get myself out that one of those kind guys will unexpectedly offer a hand. Though this feels like a different world entirely, and I’m still trying to come to grip with things, and I feel like I don’t belong and maybe never will, I’m happy here.
Wyatt’s still working hard. He’s been hanging out with his charges a little more. He’s having a good time. Last night was probably the first time we’ve actually been a normal couple for a change – going out to see a movie (a heart-wrenching comedy if that makes any sense) and share a romantic (although not-so-private) dinner. We had a good time, though things did get a little treacherous as we were headed for home. I’m just really glad I had him with me; it’s a difficult task to fight demons alone. And who better to back you up than the guy who holds all the power?
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| 6th January, 2028 |
[Jan 6, 2007 * 1:43pm] |
If anything was a priority over the past month, it was the relationship between me and my fiancé. Things have not been the best between us, that’s true. Things also seemed to dwell in that dark grey area that our lives had become. I guess I should be thankful it didn’t get any worse.
Crying to Christmas movies is probably not the best way to spend the season. And I think, until then, I was actually enjoying December. I threw myself into the job of giving us a great Christmas. I decorated the tree myself, hung decorations around the apartment, even managed to string most of the lights up myself. I couldn’t do the ones out on the balcony, of course, unless I wanted to plummet a few stories to the ground. Wyatt obligingly did that of course. It was a shame not having him around, I remembered last year when we had done all this together and it was fun. But at least this time in those few minutes I had his attention it gave us time to talk. Well, he did. I was surprised he started the conversation actually. I felt rather awkward and uncomfortable, as if it were a taboo subject, as if I was embarrassed about feeling the way I had. It was probably that sensation which diffused my anger. His eyes, they were so sad when he spoke to me – like he missed all the same things I did. And he explained to me that these people, the ones he worked with, he had to form friendships with them. He needed to keep up their spirits and maintain the relationship between them because these were the ones he was working with every day, these were the ones he had to see and speak to and listen to. He had to actually force me to say it because I couldn’t. He made me admit that I was jealous. But I told him that I was only that way because I missed him. And as he held me against him I told him that there was so much distance between us now that it just felt like we were two different people, complete strangers, and I didn’t know how to get back to where we started.
I don’t want to point fingers, or blame or accuse anyone. I know our lives aren’t perfect or the way we wanted it. I know things aren’t going to change anytime soon – I have no work, and so he’s working himself into the ground. I feel guilty for that. I feel like it’s my fault. Soon enough he’s going to kill himself this way, and I don’t know how to make it better. I feel helpless.
Christmas was not the comforting celebration it was last year. And New Years, it was so quiet without him around. He was working again. But after that talk we had, there is at least a little life between us now. And he still thought to call as the clock ticked over. I just wish I could have spent it with him.
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| 2nd December, 2027 |
[Dec 2, 2006 * 1:56pm] |
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was too hopeful. I didn’t think things would end up like this. Maybe a little part of me knew.
My birthday was quite a boring affair. Yes, Wyatt remembered. Yes, he bought me something – something which I had long wanted and I was even impressed that he remembered. But the moment he gave it to me was less than perfect. He doesn’t seem to think he can make me happy anymore. I don’t feel like I can ever be enough for him.
We barely talk or see each other anymore. It’s quite the strangest thing since I’m still home, still searching for the next source of income. I was even terribly sick for a good week and still managed to drag myself to the Underworld, sleeping away 90% of the day so that I could conserve enough energy just to make the trip.
We missed Phoebe’s birthday. I managed to call her at least, but Wyatt – he was working. He’s always working. If not that, he’s sleeping. I don’t think his charges are giving him too much trouble, but I don’t know. If I even try to talk about it he throws up that wall he always does when he doesn’t want to talk about something. Is it wrong to think I’ve fallen out of love with him? Though that can’t be possible, because when he does things like that it still hurts like a bitch.
It’s only just reached a pinnacle now because of thanksgiving. He invited one of his workmates around to the Halliwell manor for dinner with the rest of his family. While he talked to her for half the night, I found myself sitting at the table feeling very much alone. Of course I was jealous, he’s my fiancé. Though he doesn’t seem to remember that. Or at least… he’s grown rather ignorant. But he probably always has been, I’ve just been too loving to give a damn. Chris broke away from his girlfriend long enough to offer me some solace. I guess that’s kind of easy once you remind me how long Wyatt and I have been together, that he gave me that ring. Nobody else, just me. But then, I keep looking at other men, wondering if things would be better with them. Hell, half the time I’m not even thinking of that, I just want to find a way out of this pain. I am really trying to hold back from doing something I’ll regret. Now I just live for those moments, the small glimmers of our old life he offers when he comes back to me. It’s probably not the best thing to do, but it’s the only thing. And I look towards Christmas hoping that one wish will be granted.
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| November 1st, 2027 |
[Nov 1, 2006 * 8:50pm] |
I apologise. I realise it has been months since I last updated this journal. Frankly, there’s been a lot happening. I’m not even sure where to begin. As much as I’d love to be detailed about all this, I don’t think I’ll get to be because it’ll be far too long.
So we’ve had a lot of birthdays come and go. Mine is in 6 days, Phoebe’s is tomorrow. At the moment I’m not in much of a party mood, but I’ll get to that later. Wyatt’s birthday was wonderful. At least the dinner. We went down to Pier 39 to North Beach Pizza and had the greatest Italian food I’ve ever tasted. I don’t know if Wyatt ever expected anything more than pizza, though he and Chris seemed to enjoy it. It was a wonderful night, though we had to huddle by the time the sun went down. Well, inside the restaurant was great, quite warm, but it was incredibly windy and cold outside that day so walking around and looking at the lights around the place was maybe not the best activity, but it was nice. We ended up going to the Halliwell manor for a bit of an after-party party kind of thing and staying the night there. Unfortunately Chris and his girlfriend did too. Not that I have anything against them, but I discovered that she was rather vocal in bed which kind of shattered my own promiscuous activities with Wyatt. It is seriously distracting to hear someone screaming in pleasure from the room next door, though Wyatt tried his best to make me ignore it. I can’t say I appreciated the “It’s happened before” comment, which only served to make me more pissed off at my own fiancé.
Aside from that, I had what was meant to be a little holiday. I missed everybody greatly, but I was so stressed and distraught that it felt more than anything like I was still working. In my absence there was a big change happening back in the Underworld. Power was changing hands, and I found myself right in the centre of things upon my return. I was so tense and overwhelmed that it began to affect me physically. I withdrew from everything, leading to Wyatt being greatly concerned over me. By day I had to be the strongest I could be, and I was so worn by the time I got home that it was difficult to draw any kind of emotion from me. Circumstances changed so much that I ended up working for the side of evil. And I hated myself for it. I was working for the Phoenix all over again. I had to find a way out, I needed to find a way out again, for my own salvation. Wyatt couldn’t help me, not this time. All in all it’s come to this. I now have no job, no work. And Wyatt has had to take on extra shifts at the club. We’ve gone back to the hardly seeing each other thing again. But at least when he comes home he knows I’m going to be here. And that can only be a good thing for us, even if half the time he’s having to try to draw me away from falling into depression.
We did have one good night though. We went away to a friend’s wedding, and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I longed for our wedding to be like that. It was just absolutely perfect from the decorations to the photographers to the wedding party to the speeches to the cheesy telegrams from the guests. I found myself at the highest and lowest points all in one night. But there was hope. Somehow I know we’ll get through all this.
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| July 29th, 2027 |
[Jul 29, 2006 * 2:59pm] |
Ugh! I can't believe the sweltering heat we're having. It's becoming severely annoying because, as much as I like it, it wears down on you and makes you more lethargic. So it gets in the way of work just a tad.
We've had so many ups and downs over the past month. Firstly Wyatt and I were fighting, I can't even remember what it was about now it was so long ago. I don't even think it was anything worthwhile, I mean he just had to tell me he loved me and it was all okay again. You know it was probably about the whole Europe thing, he's so excited about going but I still don't know my status and it just makes me so upset to think that it might be the end of us. I know I should trust him and have faith in him if it does work out that this becomes long-distance, but it scares me to have to face everything without him. I don't want to be on my own again.
Wyatt has had a lot of trouble with Draco lately. Firstly he did something that got him completely in trouble with the Elders and ruined our 4th July celebrations. I know that, plus work and the fact that I have been completely annoying about starting our family have grated at him. I mean, I really couldn't help it, we spent a day at Piper's with all these little kids running around and I got handed off somebody's baby. Wyatt thought it was adorable and he kept having staring competitions with her (which she won of course) and I was actually quite surprised at myself being able to handle looking after her for most of the day. Of course because of this I got the odd look from Phoebe and the "you look so great with a baby! When are you and Wyatt thinking of trying?" comments thrown at me. I swear even I think I've gone nuts with this maternal thing over the past month. Wyatt says it's not on the cards, though, we're far too busy to be planning anything like that, especially since we haven't even organised the wedding yet. Sometimes I get a little irritated with his constant procrastination, but then I get wrapped up in something else and it serves as a delightful distraction, making me far too busy to plan or even think about it.
The work front has been seriously bad. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. Wyatt even found me one day trying to wash the blood out of my clothes in the bathroom, trying to keep from crying about every little disaster I've had to endure. I've hurt myself I can't recall how many times lately. I was skating far too close to the edge of danger again, and with every issue raised between us, I wasn't afraid to throw myself in and give up everything. I ended up being captured and tortured until I broke down on one occassion, leaving with a bloody nose and a degraded sense of self-worth. I couldn't believe I'd given in like that.
Because of this Wyatt's decided I need a break, so he's urging me to take time away when my friend comes up to San Francisco. He's more than happy that he's able to keep us stable now that he's got a pay rise and a new charge who is so astoundingly talented that he even ends up helping Wyatt half the time. Although he can be irresponsible, he's incredibly endearing, and we've even hung out with him and his girlfriend a few times. She's absolutely amazing too and I told Wyatt I so had the urge to tell him to marry that girl. They're the cutest couple to see together. I swear when we all went and saw that new pirate movie, he and Wyatt spent the whole night making up seriously bad pirate jokes and even growling out their orders at the restaurant we ate at. It was hilarious.
Anyhow, there's a few birthdays to attend to next month, including my beloved fiance's. Not sure what we're doing yet, but we may have to have it early if I do take my friend's offer up on joining her for her holiday. I should at least invite everyone over though so they can see how Wyatt's redecorated the place... the things he does when he gets bored.
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